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Cooking for One at Christmas
Dinner for one at Bleak House…..
Christmas is over, thank God. Sorry but it’s not my favourite time of year. Twenty five years as a chef knocks the fun out of it, when I become Prime Minister I shall ban it. That or catering, either way one of them has to go. Why do millions of people turn insane for three days? I went to the supermarket on the 23rd for a hand of bananas and a bottle of sauvignon blanc (my needs are simple) This excercise should (and usually does) take less than ten minutes. This week-thirty. Why? because the entire population of the city of Lincoln decided that they should buy everything twice just in case, because the shops shut for one day on the 25th. Lets buy all of those things you never use at any other time of the year, like fruit. Who are you kidding? That net of satsumas you’ve bought is just for show, the kid’s will never eat it. Why? because you’ve also bought sixty litres of coke, ten bargain pizzas, a bumper bag of cheesy wotsits and a large black forest gateaux with a cannister of squirty ‘cream’ for extra calorific intake.
Oh, the agony of it. By the end of service on Christmas Day I had truly had enough. It’s been a long year (twelve months) and the last three months have been particularly hard going so I looked forward to going home and bolting the door shut in a modern, double glazed sort of way. Home at last, tired and mildly annoyed I remembered I hadn’t eaten for over eight hours and the only way I was going to eat was if I cooked it. I opened the door into the dining room, perhaps there would be a suprise Christmas dinner awaiting me. It was pitch black, wait for it…nothing. I stubbed my toe, swore, turned the light on and saw the unpaid water bill on the table. Merry Christmas.
If there was ever a circumstance to test one’s mettle then this was it. Alone on Christmas Day with a sore toe and an eighty quid water bill. Did they really have to send it on Christmas Eve? Come on, couldn’t you wait a week? It’s not the money, far from it. No, it’s the bloody principle. It quite clearly states ’solo rate’ on my bill. That means I live alone, at Christmas! You can just see them laughing at my misfortune. The council did it last year, same time. I get a discount on the rates because of single occupancy, so what does the council do? Write to me asking me if I’m still on my own-on Christmas week. I wrote back thanking them for their concern, particularly at Christmas but regretted to inform them that I was still single and therefore exempt from paying them an extra 25%. Bloody vultures.
Back to my stomach. If I wanted to feel sorry for myself then my guts told my head to do it later. I had been the grateful recipient of a brace of fine, locally shot pheasants and they were soon in the oven. I am quite partial to a game bird (show me a man who isn’t!) as their size and taste help me to forget about turkey. Nicely cooked with goose fat and a generous bunch of winter herbs from the garden they were soon on my chopping board….
Nothing too fancy to go with it, some braised carrots, roasted sweet potatoes, steamed greens and a light gravy flavoured with the chopped carcasse of the roasted bird. Most pleasant.
Move on a day and seventy covers for Boxing Day lunch and I’m back home again. Same scenario except I turned a light on as soon as I got in and the water bill had been paid. I still had a pheasant left over so I stripped the cooked meat from the body and made a simple ragout which I ate with a very tasty dollop of wet polenta. I ate the lot whilst watching the football results go against my team once again. Spirits lifted thanks to the noble pheasant I went back into the kitchen and guess what? I stubbed my bloody toe again!
LB
same scenario here !
Only I didn’t get a water bill but then I had no pheasant either.
Sainsbury’s curry fo rme
Keep up the good work !
Rod
December 27, 2008 @ 9:31 am
Rod,
Bet my toe hurt more than yours!
Miles (LB)
December 27, 2008 @ 9:39 am
Miles,
Before I say anything…. that pheasant ragout looks splendid. How life can be unfair…. there was I surrounded by satsumas and single women
Cid
December 27, 2008 @ 11:40 am
Miles,
.
You must remember to put “Christmas Dinner” on your Santa wish list next year
Elsie
December 27, 2008 @ 1:10 pm
I feel your pain, Miles, I really do
I’m grateful that the “silly season” is drawing to a close, seeing that I was just about ready to pop a vein from hearing Boney M being played on every radio station and inside every elevator and mall.
December 27, 2008 @ 2:44 pm
there was I surrounded by satsumas and single women
Sounds like a living nightmare
Rod
December 27, 2008 @ 7:01 pm
Cid,
I don’t believe you
Miles
December 27, 2008 @ 8:47 pm
Elsie,
If I did that then knowing my luck I’d end up with turkey and sprouts
Miles
December 27, 2008 @ 8:48 pm
Xenny,
Boney M? bloody hell, I thought Roy Wood and Slade was bad enough. That makes up for you strolling around air conditioned malls in your shorts
Miles
December 27, 2008 @ 8:49 pm
Miles,
The last one left in the early hours this morning looking fabulous and noticeably unstressed … that’ll be because she’s manless thought I
“Know any single blokes Cid?” they ask… “only two, one likes Bart Simpson pyjamas, old books and wearing women’s jeans and the other one’s a jet setting Head Chef”. So far you’re doing very well in the popularity stakes 
Cid
December 27, 2008 @ 11:04 pm
Cid,
Considering the competition I’m not particularly flattered
Miles
December 28, 2008 @ 8:09 am
Miles,
I have no time right now to add an appropriately thought-out comment, but you do know this blog of yours could be a very entertaining book or movie — don’t you? Sounds as though your life would make a fitting Woody Allen movie. And while in many ways my heart goes out to you, I almost snarfed my coffee up my nose laughing out loud at your post and the ensuing comment thread.
You’re a wonderfully entertaining writer. You might as well put this blog together as a book. “Dinner For One At Bleak House” would make for an amusing title.
I’ll be back for more later. Wish I could beam you a nice bowl of green chile stew and a snifter of Milagro Select Barrel Reserve to dilute your sorrows.
Melissa
December 28, 2008 @ 4:50 pm
Melissa,
Thanks for those kind words although I’d have preferred a film with George Clooney as me than Woody Allen. I’m single enough as it is thankyou without girls thinking I’m like him!!
You’re chilli stew sounds top banana.
Woody.
December 28, 2008 @ 7:00 pm
No, no, no — you misunderstood. I would never suggest Woody Allen play you, but the movies he produces about families and relationships and work and all the crazy things that make up everyday life are often very entertaining. And even though Cid is on to George Clooney, he’s not English, so he’s out.
A book — I think you need to write a book. Or at least arrange your blog posts in book fashion. They are quite amusing.
Melissa
December 28, 2008 @ 10:00 pm
Melissa,
I was after some sympathy at your expense! I’ll forgive George’s accent simply because he’s nailed my looks!
As for the book thing, I’m glad you find it amusing but as I say with regard to the ‘about me’ section and the posts I wrote on my early days, it’s all true, nothing has been ‘glossed up’ -it’s ‘warts n’ all’ here. I hate b******t.
With regard to my latest post I’m glad you pay more attention than I do!!
Miles
December 28, 2008 @ 10:18 pm
Hi Miles,
Saw your comment on Melissa’s blog and stopped by for a visit. I hope your toe is healing nicely.
Since discovering celiac disease about a year ago, I have given up my catering business. This was my first catering-free Christmas. No coddling the clients. No raucous party at my house. Few decorations. Limited gifts. Just a little wheat-free baking. Sound bleak? NO! It was delightful! Perhaps my favorite Christmas since childhood! I don’t miss the crazy parts AT ALL!
Perhaps you can wear a disguise during a coming Christmas, or leave town and pretend you’re not a chef just once. I recommend it!
December 29, 2008 @ 1:52 pm
Kay,
Welcome to the site and thankyou for taking the time to comment. I’m glad to hear that you have made the transition to a gluten free lifestyle in a positive way and that you have found happiness outside of the commercial kitchen-wouldn’t we all?!!
You are quite right, I shall adopt a diffferent approach to the next Christmas, that said it can’t get any worse!
Thanks again Kay
Best wishes for the New Year
Miles
December 29, 2008 @ 2:49 pm
Melissa,
I’m still trying to work out what b******t is… ah well no matter there’s obviously none of it here so that’s a relief
Anyway on with the script…. if Miles is going to be George, I’m going to be Leonardo da Vinci because I’m fed up playing Sophia Loren and fancy a bit more of a challenge
and if you think I can’t weave a plot out of that you’ll be sadly mistaken, although due to budget restrictions we may all have to play at least two parts…. which might confuse some of the readers expecting a recipe but they’ll soon catch on 
Cid
December 29, 2008 @ 9:08 pm
You have missed the obvious man to play Miles—Hugh Grant. My personal favorite would be Colin Firth, however.
December 31, 2008 @ 11:24 pm
C’mon - Rowan Atkinson is a dead ringer for Miles!
January 1, 2009 @ 12:27 am
Dave,
That is worthy of a banning order! Mind you, I’d settle for looking like him if it meant having his Aston Martin!
Miles
January 1, 2009 @ 8:31 am
Annie,
You are so right!!!
Miles
January 1, 2009 @ 8:31 am