A Lesson in Pastry
Back to College Part Two……
It’s pitch black and I’m driving to college through a traditional Lakeland rainstorm. There’s not a street lamp in sight and the road is as black as my mood. I slow down to a crawl, I blame the rain but it’s the destination that I’m dreading. I hope for an impassable road, there isn’t one. When I drive back at ten o’clock, guess what? there is one. I’m diverted by a rain soaked policeman, I have the bright idea of making a joke about his predicament, he laughs and offers me a ‘quicker route’. Texas would have been quicker to cross..
It’s a Thursday night and I’m stuck in a college kitchen, twenty three and miserable, there’s a pub desperate for my money, we should be together. But no, I’m making flowers to put on a cake. I’m stood opposite a rough arsed Geordie with fists like ham hocks, battered and bruised from weekly fights in Keswick. He’s making flowers too. This isn’t right, all I need is a piano and a candle stick and I’m Cumbria’s answer to Liberace. It’s hot, dry and unpleasant, all I can think about is beer and revenge, my mouth’s as dry as John Wayne’s saddlebags. My flower breaks, so does my spirit and will to live. I hate everyone in the class apart from Geordie, he’s the one saving grace, everyone else talks about puff pastry and royal icing and what they like to do with them, we talk about women and…..
I despised being in that class, I felt out of my depth and I was. I should have been shown the basics and I wasn’t. The tutor had the fees so he wasn’t bothered but I was because I wanted to like pastry but they made me hate it. I would like to write about what I learnt but truth be told I’m not sure that I did, I cannot remember anything which we did that I felt would benefit my restaurant career. How often would I make flowers for a dinner service or inedible characters for a display? I was a chef not a vicar’s wife.
We have to make a display using pastillage, it’s a four week project, I vow never to see it through to completion, every week we buggered about with them, week three and some idiot dropped a scale pan on mine. The tutor looked terrified telling me the news, told him I was devestated, I lied, I said how good it was begining to look, he agreed and lied at the same time. I couldn’t possibly repair it or start again now I said. I passed, I left and never went back. This rubber stamped my opinion of catering college at that time. I said goodbye to no one, especially Geordie who I vowed to keep in touch with.
I kept my promise and seventeen years later I am Godfather to his young boy.
Miles,
Wonderful stuff. I shall be adding a spray of pastillage carnations to my order
Cid
May 14, 2009 @ 12:52 pm
Brilliant, Miles. Nothing more to say other than you’ve brightened my day (regardless of your dark mood).
:-)
Melissa
May 14, 2009 @ 2:52 pm
Miles,
So much of that echos my own college experiences. The stuff of nightmares. Another great piece of writing.
Shame about the cake decorating though. I guess there’s no chance of seeing ‘41′ written in pastillage next week.
GDave
May 14, 2009 @ 3:22 pm
Miles,
.
A great write-up. I guess that Chef meant well
Anne
May 14, 2009 @ 4:45 pm
All,
Thanks, glad you enjoyed my sufering!!
GDave, you’ve a hell of a memory!!
Miles
May 14, 2009 @ 8:50 pm
One pastillage carnation for the lapel of the man at Table 5. ANother great anecdote for your memoirs, Miles. Well done.
Annie
May 15, 2009 @ 7:01 pm
Annie,
I’m printing all of these off so I don’t have to buy the book.
GDave
May 15, 2009 @ 8:16 pm
Miles,
Don’t know about you but failed pastillage projects always remind me how good professional plasterers are … my own efforts have resulted in some very clever (if I say so myself
) edible water colour painting…. once the whole top of the cake cracked so I had to create something akin to the Grand Canyon together with a mix of ivy and autumnal berries. A unique little number to say the least, helped largely by extra wide ribbon and well placed pillars 
Cid
May 15, 2009 @ 10:11 pm
GDave,
Might we assume that next week is cause for celebration? It’s just a pity that you’re not living here because my skills with icing sugar have improved and any cracks in the pastillage (that’s going to be the group buzz word from now on
) can now be covered up by my signature macaron studded all over 
I draw the line at rendering garage walls though, unless you want it to look like a dalek 
Cid
May 15, 2009 @ 10:39 pm
Cid,
That is why God created Spackle on the 8th day. He didn’t get to the Grand Canyon yet, however.
May 15, 2009 @ 11:12 pm
Cid,
There are a few things that I want to try before my time is up and your macarons are elbowing their way onto the list. Qudos to your frosting skills. I’m afraid I’m pretty much resigned to having all of the artistic talents of Tracy Emin (a bit of a crossover from Melissa’s last post there) ie. none, which makes my appreciation of other people’s skills that much more accute.
Yep, Miles’s b’day is just around the corner. I’d make some flippant gag but I’m 33 in a couple of month’s time which I think disqualifies me from referring to myself as being in my early-thirties any longer. If only we’d had a bit of foresight: we could have employed you as the party-planner and had a refined evening of Japanese tea ceremonies and Takeshi Kitano (aka God) movies.
Anyway, I hope Miles enjoys the Woolworths vouchers I sent him.
GDave
May 15, 2009 @ 11:40 pm
Annie,
Think I’ve got a tub of spackle for the face somewhere in my make-up bag
Cid
May 15, 2009 @ 11:43 pm
GDave,
At 33 you are not yet in your prime and probably won’t want to socialize with old women like me or Table No. 5
The Japanese party sounds nice though but could end in tears unless we all get to grips with long flowing sleeves and the notorious geta… I have visions of a Naomi Campbell cat walk disaster as Miles totters in with a tray of sushi held ‘bench press’ style above his head 
The best tactic might be to stand in cricket formation to catch whatever comes our way… preferably in front of table no. 5 who will take no prisoners in the fight for the last noodle 
Oyasuminasai
Cid
May 16, 2009 @ 12:27 am
Miles & gang,
I had a technical meltdown today and lost all connection with this parallel universe I enjoy so much. Oh, it was not fun and it also appears I missed a great party over here.
Face spackle? Is it plant-based? Count me in, girls.
GDave, follow my lead. You are now in your “very early thirties.” Once you hit 36, you are in your “early mid-thirties.” When you reach 39, you are in your “late mid-thirties.” That works regardless of the decade.
:-)
Who is Tracy Emin, what is pastillage and when is Miles’ birthday?
Good reading! You are all so entertaining. Great post to kick it off, Miles. Just as charming the second time around.
Melissa
May 16, 2009 @ 3:27 am
GDave,
Thanks for the vouchers I appreciate that, I’ve bought you a home cinema system. I got it cheap from a politician who wanted to get rid of it quick. He said something about how he was once the justice minister and now he isn’t. I said there was justice after all.
Off to clean my moat
Miles
May 16, 2009 @ 7:21 am
Miles,
Has anyone heard from Xenny? I’m beginning to worry! What about Sharon as well…. if you’re reading this, then drop us a line.
Will you be working on your birthday Miles? Of course most of us do but you work very long hours and must be due some time off by now.
Cid
May 16, 2009 @ 12:56 pm
Hi Cid
I haven’t been around much lately and when I have been around I have been playing silly internet games lol.
I have my own childish restaurant on facebook where miles has to clean the toilets in it all day long.. he has not managed to get up to chef standard.
Hope everything is well with you
:)
May 16, 2009 @ 5:27 pm
Sharon,
That’s it..I quit !!
Miles
May 16, 2009 @ 6:09 pm
Sharon,
I’m drawn to the notion of your facebook restaurant, especially with Miles as the Janitor ! Of course he’s well placed for window cleaning tasks with a stash of old Motorhead t-shirts
Tell me please what the essence of Facebook is, I’m curious. I’m at the age where friends are immensely impressed to find out I comment on blogs… knowing all the ins and outs of Facebook could cement my reputation for keeping up with the latest trends.
Cid
May 16, 2009 @ 7:19 pm
Cid,
Xenny’s Twitter page seems to be ticking along rather nicely so I don’t think there’s a need to worry. Actually, while we’re here, could someone add an explanation of Twitter along with Facebook? I’ve had a home computer since I was 9 years old but that one simply soars over my head!
Melissa, thank you! I’m going to follow your age advice to the letter.
Miles, the moat gag made a bit of snot come out. Excellent one!
GDave
May 16, 2009 @ 8:55 pm
GDave,
Well done…. I’ve just seen you win Eurovision… you did say you were 23 and Norwegian didn’t you?
How marvellous that in a sea of long legged barbie dolls, you stole the show… well perhaps not quite, the Russian’s put on a truly amazing interlude with people swimming about in large tupperware boxes suspended in mid air. Do you think we could put a display like that on for Miles’ birthday? I’ve never seen anything like it and that’s exactly what Miles will say when we hoist an upturned table no. 5 into the ceiling rafters, wrapped with double strength cling film 
Cid
May 17, 2009 @ 12:23 am
Miles — when is your birthday? Don’t worry, I can’t plan a surprise party for you or anything.
Twitter and Facebook are social media outlets. Because of a professional relationship with a nutrition school, I ended up on Facebook. All the sudden, people started coming out of the woodwork asking to be FB “friends.” People I don’t even know. I don’t “get” it. I’d rather spend my leisure time over here visiting with all of you.
I see no point in following someone’s tweets (comments) on Twitter. You’re limited (thank God) to only so many characters. People write this mindless dribble and for some reason think others are going to be fascinated by it all. Follow me on Twitter? I think I’ll pass.
Tweet, tweet.
Melissa
May 17, 2009 @ 3:37 pm
Cid
You would like facebook if you enjoy reading forums on different subjects, you can play games with your friends.. you can literally abuse your friends on these games… poor Miles he is always toilet cleaning for me, I may promote him to Chef but not yet because I am wicked like that.
You can meet up with old friends/people you have worked with. There is literally a group for everything. Facebook is great but you must set your privacy settings high so people have to request your friendship. You can also protect every part of your facebook. I have mine divided into 2 sections, 1 is for my friends and they can see all my photos and posts whereas the other one is set up for people i don’t know to play games with them who can’t see much about me at all.
Passes the time, give it a go, you can always deactivate you account if your not happy with it.
May 17, 2009 @ 7:02 pm
Sharon,
Thanks, your advice is helpful. I might take a look or should that be a perch or nest?
Either way I feel I ought to know these things in case I’m missing out.
I wouldn’t feel too sorry for Miles… he’s the jet setting type these days and a nice little job cleaning toilets is probably a (pardon the pun) relief for him
Keep us up to date with the restaurant progress and general hot gossip.
Cid
May 17, 2009 @ 8:06 pm
Cid,
Just cleaned three of my own at home today
Miles
May 17, 2009 @ 8:13 pm
I can understand the appeal of Facebook. Lots of people I work with get plenty of mileage out of it. My real friends and I have quite a good system, we address emails to everyone in our circle and then we ‘reply to all’ whether or not it’s relevant to everybody. It works brilliantly when we’re organising Lakeland trips or nights out. But I suppose Facebook does the same thing only better.
Twitter on the other hand, I just don’t “get” that at all. I’ve looked at a couple of people’s pages and I genuinely did not know what I was looking at and lacked any desire to learn.
Cid, yeah, the half-time show really was pretty spectacular. I loved that they lowered the swimming pools right down to the audience. That’s the kind of art I appreciate; something that stimulates the senses.
My ship didn’t come in, I’m afraid. Armenia finished 10th. Boo hoo! Funny though that you should mistake me for Norwegian. My surname is traceable to a Norwegian Viking dialect. 100% of fact.
GDave
May 17, 2009 @ 8:23 pm
Miles,
I’m not sure we knew you were a triple toilet owner…. as I was once told, that puts you into a certain bracket. Toilet envy exists you know and those with more than one attract a certain amount of attention…. until that is, the on-looker realizes how much cleaning is involved
Of course, when I’m not dressed in formal silk kimono and obi, I’m Lincolnshire’s answer to Dynorod and have become something of an expert on the subject… well perhaps expert might be stretching it a bit, but fearless and determined might be closer to the truth. I shouldn’t let on to Sharon though or I’ll end up unblocking sinks in her restaurant 
Cid
May 17, 2009 @ 8:43 pm
GDave,
Is there a great deal of planning necessary for a trip to Lakeland Plastics?
You are full of surprises.
With you all the way with the artistic entertainment given by the Russian hosts last night. Could be why we didn’t win because that would be an almost impossible act to follow. What will the Norwegians come up with I wonder? Haven’t watched the song contest for years but if it’s going to be like that I shall tune in next year just for the spectacle. What sort of art do you like, I’d be interested to know.
Cid
May 17, 2009 @ 8:51 pm
Cid,
Haha, Lakeland Plastics, you loon!
Regrettably, I’ve got to tell you that I do watch Eurovision almost every year. It’s such a farse and I love it for that same reason. I missed Terry thought this year.
With regards to (visual) art, I’m not really the sort of person who could reel off names, but my favourite medium is photography. I went to an installation some time ago where random people on the streets were given disposable cameras and were briefed to take pictures of their day-to-day lives. (sounds a bit like Twitter
) The results we blown-up, mounted on canvas and displayed for all to see and it was pure magic. You’ll never see more honest imagery.
Musically, and I tread carefully as I know Miles, Rod and Dave love their spandex-clad, glam rock bands, I love very experimental and challenging electronic artists. I’d list names but that would be pointless. But as I know you’re a Japanophile I would URGE you to listen to Tujiko Noriko. She is simply a genius. Perhaps start with her ‘Shojo Toshi’ album and then go in any direction. I can supply examples if you find her difficult to find.
Okay, I’ve gone on long enough. Tell me about your arty prefs!
GDave
May 17, 2009 @ 9:49 pm
GDave,
What an excellent comment… thanks for the tip, I’ll be sure to follow it up and report back.
Art wise, well where do I start. I have visited the V&A more times than I care to remember and seen so many fabulous exhibitions, including photography. I’m not a great painter, never was but I do draw… more especially I like crafts and architecture. Fornasetti has been a favourite of mine although I still don’t own any books… must put that right one day. If I’m in the mood I like Dutch Masters and the Impressionists. I love the bold colours of Clarice Cliff and 20s/30s art in general. I like vintage clothes and as you all by now know, Japanese items because of the quality spinning, dying and weaving processes. I’m a fan of Charles Rennie Macintosh and his talented wife and Klimt…. the mosaics of Barcelona and everything Gaudi. I’ve dabbled in stained glass and have seen some outstanding exhibtions featuring contemporary glass artists. Think that should do for now… I’m currently looking into the art and culture of the Ainu people which ties in with my current obsession with Japan.
Cid
May 17, 2009 @ 10:27 pm
Cid,
Right, I’m halting this conversation right here. I am obviously way out of my depth in art appreciation.
Seriously though, your range is outstanding. I had to look up Fornasetti but after seeing examples it is so clearly you. Really fascinating work. I know Clarice Cliff but only from the occasions that I’ve watched the Antiques Roadshow (I’m such a heathen!
). Actually that reminds me of when I went to the British Museum. One of the last displays we viewed was the ancient Chinese pottery. After 30 minutes of looking around the many hundreds of dynastic bowls, jugs and cups I started to feel like I was browsing through the homeware section of Debenhams! What did I tell you? Heathen. 
Great stuff though Cid, I really enjoyed that. I had a very, very brief scan of the Ainu and now I’m determined to find out what social reasons force them to hide their racial identity.
GDave
May 18, 2009 @ 8:54 pm